The Rolling Stones were in Philadelphia during their 50 & Counting tour for two shows last week (June 18/21) when Red Hot Chili Peppers lead singer Anthony Kiedis was roughed up outside the Four Seasons by security (it hasn’t been confirmed who the man in question works for). The town doesn’t have a reputation for living up to its moniker “The City of Brotherly Love,” — Eagles fans booed and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs in 1968 — so security can be expected to be extra cautious when dealing with approaching pedestrians.
Except Anthony Kiedis isn’t you’re regular Joe Schmo: he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2012, for Pete’s sake.
But where was Kiedis’s bodyguard during this entire fiasco? It appears he’s the gentleman in the white shirt and black hat being thrown into some type of half-nelson chokehold. If that’s not him, then Kiedis’s bodyguard was MIA, which is possibly worse then being incapable of performing your duties to protect.
That’s why we’ve compiled a list of possible bodyguards for Mr. Kiedis. We think these men and women will keep him out of harm’s way.
Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood is arguably the toughest guy to ever step onto a movie set. What seals the deal for him as a bodyguard is that he can role solo: he always played the loner cop or wandering gunfighter, from Dirty Harry to Blondie.
Think he’s too old? Then you haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino or Trouble with the Curve. Eastwood still grumbles, grunts and is filled with p*** and vinegar.
Mr. T
We pity the fool who won’t quit jibber-jabberin’ or messes with one of Mr. T’s clients. Get too close and you can expect a visit from his friend… PAAAIIINNN.
Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris
“Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.”
“Some kids p*** their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can p*** his name into concrete.”
“When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.”
“The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t like bugs. That’s why The Beatles stopped making music.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t dodge bullets, they dodge him.”
“Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel.”
We think you get the picture.
Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa
No one is tougher than Rocky Balboa. Rock used to be a bum who shook guys down to pay their debts. Then he knocked out the champ and almost brought an end to the Cold War with his fists and heart. Then he was a bum again. But then he kind of wasn’t again after that.
Security is a great profession for washed up fighters, too.
Chuck Liddell
Speaking of washed up fighters (don’t tell him we said that), Chuck Liddell is the real deal. If you’re not familiar with the UFC or mixed martial arts, Chuck is the guy who put it on the map… with his fists. He’s nicknamed “The Iceman,” and for good reason: after his fist touches your chin, you are out cold.
The former light heavyweight champ got a bit punch drunk at the end of his career, but there’s no better security guard than a former fighter who excels at boxing, kickboxing, wrestling, jiu jitsu, etc. There isn’t much an assailant can surprise Chuck with, and for that, we feel good hiring the guy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator
Yes, the Governator was the killer in the original Terminator, but The Terminator did a helluva job looking after John Conner in the following films. Even when outmatched by superior model Terminators, he still found a way to keep his priority alive.
The Terminator also destroyed himself to save John Connor and the world, too. You won’t get that from your run-of-the-mill bodyguard.
Wonder Woman
Ladies can make more than formidable bodyguards, and none better fit the role than Wonder Woman. She sports super strength, speed, agility, reflexes, stamina, and endurance, making her the ideal candidate. Plus, dodging the paparazzi is easy when you can cruise around in her Invisible Plane.
Honorable Mention — John Wayne
John Wayne has been dead for 34 years, but no one embodied the attributes of a man’s man quite like The Duke did. Just the curl of his lip and narrowing of his eyes would be enough to keep potential danger at bay.
- E.J. Judge, CBS Local
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